Disappointment sets in...

Today, I am not enjoying my job. I am just disappointed. That is my feeling. I am disappointed in the kids for being dumb and not taking advantage of learning opportunities, I am disappointed in myself for not being able to cram stuff into them and letting them destroy their lives by never paying attention to anything. Sometimes, I find myself wishing that God would introduce some huge tragedy in their lives so at least they would pay attention to something. But then they would probably just get cold hearts and shut down. My experience here makes me more and more interested in the discipleship process, and more and more interested in not teaching. Where has it gone wrong for so many here? How can it be fixed? What should their discipleship include? What do young boys and girls need? What role can I play as a teacher, parent, pastor?

I am sick of pandering to losers and whiners. I am tired of smiling in the face of scathing slander and unbelievable disrespect. I am tired of cowards. Who will teach them to be men and women - real ones? Not me, at least not here. They need a kick in the ass that I can't give. Why do I even teach Spanish II? It is not like kids know anything more the second year. Doesn't that bother the kids? Doesn't that bother anyone else? I cannot fathom how the education students get is worth the money shelled out for it. I am convinced I could teach Nigerian kids on a dirt floor in a week what I teach here in a month. But then, they would be interested in going to school, and not just a Sports and Social club. I mean, who has time for school when there are notes to write, games to play, practices to go to, and concerts to perform? Who has time to learn anything, really? I mean, isn't there a big game on tonight? Isn't there money to make and things to buy?

I go to church. I go to school. Isn't that enough? NO! I pay my tithe. I read the Bible. Isn't that enough? NO! There is always more, always some way to improve, always another path to walk down, another process to ponder or suffering to mourn. Oh God, don't let me whittle my life away thinking I am doing it right while I am just idly letting time go by! Please let me live up to more than standards, or minimums. I want to shine like a star!